*Fat People – Why Do You Make Fun of Them?

No, really, I want to know.

I think I was born without the gene that gives you satisfaction from making fun of others’ appearances.  I’m not saying I’m holier than thou – because I’m not – there are some other choice slang words I could benefit from losing from my vocabulary.  But I’ve never made fun of someone’s weight after a few choice observations I made as a child.  I just haven’t.  And actually, I can’t credit myself; I credit my mother.  Anyone who knows Donna Bruce knows that she is a kind woman who cares about how others feel.  Once, after seeing a particularly overweight person and commenting on it as children do, my mother said, “Amanda, that’s just not a nice thing to say.  That could hurt their feelings.”

It seemed simple enough to me.  So I stopped.

I also never did again because I was an overweight child before struggling with an eating disorder.  I was berated by my numerous classmates and strangers for the way I looked, and I couldn’t see causing harm to others the way they did me.  Plus, I just assumed I would feel fucking shitty (note: slang words to lose) if I did make fun of someone based on their weight.  So, I am honestly, seriously curious – if you do it, what do you get out of it?  Is it a way to feel better than, temporarily superior for a moment?  Is it because you feel uncomfortable with something that has nothing to do with you?  I am not looking for an opportunity to engage in a fight with someone over this – I just want to know.

Again, I am not pro-fat or pro-out-of-shape-ness.  I just don’t see how making fun of a problem that is reportedly a serious national problem, helps.  When I see a seriously overweight or obese person who might be disabled as a result of it, I first think, “oh, that’s sad.”  And then I think, “Wait a minute, is that even accurate for me to be sad?  Because they could be happier than I am!”  I also tend think of a lack of balance when I see an overweight person.  Just as anorexia indicates a lack of balance.  I assume that some make fun of overweight people because they attribute certain qualities to them, like sloth or lack of control.  Which I understand some people despise in others.

It just seems as arbitrary as saying, “Look at that brown-haired woman.  People who are brown-haired are so disgusting.”  I know someone might say to that, “Well, it’s not the same Amanda, one is a health problem while the other isn’t.”  Well, sure, I agree – but how does making fun of it help?

I just don’t get it.  Again, I’m not trying to be self-righteous; I just don’t understand.  So please, if you do, enlighten me, because I find it mystifying.  And in the meantime, I’ll stick to Mama Bruce’s philosophy: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.

* I don’t tend to use the word fat; I prefer overweight or obese, which is usually more accurate/detailed.  Thought it might grab your attention though.

(Image provided by metro.co.uk)

Maggie Goes On a Diet. So Did Amanda, and It Sucked.

This morning, as I was getting ready to go to work, I was distracted by the story on the Today show.  Paul M. Kramer, an author and self-publisher, recently wrote a book called, “Maggie Goes on a Diet”.  (It should be noted that the book’s intended audience is 4-8).  In it, the main character is overweight, and is ridiculed by others at school.  So, she decides to do something about it, and loses weight.  As a result of her safe weight loss, she becomes popular and joins the soccer team.  She is also very proud of herself.

Do I think this is necessarily “anorexia bait”, as others have said?  Not necessarily.  Do I think this is quality reading for a four year old?  Not at all.  Like I have stated numerous times before, I don’t believe ED’s happen because of 1 triggering factor.  However, OVER MY DEAD BODY would you see me reading this to my soon-to-arrive baby girl.

My first problem with the book is that it addresses happiness from the outside in.  The message “If you want to have internal happiness, you must change the external first.”  Any buddhist or meditation flip-through book will tell you that you can achieve personal happiness at ANY moment, regardless of size or financial status or hair color.  Changing your weight can potentially do nothing for your happiness, and all the temporary external gains Maggie received from weight loss (popularity, etc) would eventually fall away.

My second problem with this book is that it does place the anorexia-predisposed young lady at risk for a major trigger.  Let me tell you a story about a young 12 year old girl.  The young lady in question was an intelligent, compassionate girl who loved to sing and help others.  She was teased relentlessly by peers in school about her weight, until she decided to do something about it.  She decided to lose 60 lbs in 5 months, until her period stopped and she grew a fine layer of hair on her arms due to temperature changes in her body.  She began to believe that her new, beautiful, waif identity was all she was good for, and she genuinely believed this until her mid-twenties.  But man, were those compliments from the popular kids good.

Amanda went on a diet, and it sucked.

And it turned into an eating disorder.

Third, I just don’t think any 4-8 year old needs to have “diet” in her vocabulary.  A balance of healthy foods?  Sure.  In an interview on Fox news, Kramer contradicts himself and says he believes no child should ever go on a diet.  Moments later, he acknowledges that Maggie does indeed go on a diet.

I truly don’t think this guy had the worst intentions – I really don’t – I just think he’s stuck in the trance that the rest of the country is, the trance that says “LESS WEIGHT MORE HAPPY”.  I think he was poorly informed.

And, this book sends a message that says, “Hey bullies!  Keep doin what you’re doin!  The victims of your words will change themselves so you can keep being an asshole!”

And one last question…why is the central character of a weight loss book a GIRL?

(Image provided by www.theweekmagazine.tumblr.com)

Pregnancy and Eating Disorders.

Exactly six years ago, in a land that feels as foreign to me today as perfection, I sat in day treatment unsure and listless.  I was sure my legs were getting fatter by the minute, as evidenced by the tight pull of my size 2 jeans I could still just fit into despite the daily meals we were required to eat at the hospital.  I was busy journalling about a recent love I had lost when a dark-haired, serene counselor walked in.  She possessed a centeredness that I had never known, and I was vaguely attracted to it.

She smiled briefly and led us in a meditation exercise.  After that, she invited us to think of the body part we hated the most about ourselves and write it down on a piece of paper.  Beside it, she wanted us to write a practical use for it.  She then took the papers and read them out loud, so we all could add uses the writer had missed.  It was my absolute favorite intervention there, for it reminded me that our bodies that are capable of accomplishing glorious, astounding things if we just feed them.

On my paper?  I had written “stomach” and for its practical use, “pregnancy”.

******

In early May, I found out I was pregnant.  Seeing that “Yes” on the pregnancy test was the most exhilarating thing ever.  And the scariest.  That day, before I told my partner, I contemplated how my life and body would change.  I worried about financial concerns.  I worried about my ability to parent.  I worried about everything.  This worry was alleviated time to time by those who validated my thoughts as “normative maternal worry”.  I knew, however, I carried an extra beautiful complication to the usual ups and downs of pregnancy.  I formerly had a relationship with my body in which I denied it what it needed.  While I wasn’t pregnant, although I hadn’t starved myself for some time,  I had the psychological “backup” of being able to return to restrictive behaviors if things got too hard.  But now, there was to be no denial of needs whatsoever.  Simply put, eating disorders are the definition of control, while pregnancy is the definition of out of control.  No matter how many miles you run or green vegetables you eat, the pregnancy will not hold if it’s not a good genetic match.  No matter how many folic acid vitamins you ingest or hypnobirthing tapes you listen to, you have little control over the amount of labor hours you will go through.  And if you eat a relatively “normal” amount daily, you will have little control over how you gain the weight.  I know naturally teeny women who gained 70 lbs during their pregnancy, average to above-average women who gained 11 lbs during their pregnancy.  Everyone gains differently, with an average of 25-35 lbs.

Even though it had been awhile since I stepped on a scale or monitored what I ate, old surface body symptoms began to resurface once I found out I was pregnant.  First, old thoughts began to pop up during my first trimester.  I was convinced I was gaining weight immediately and that my pants were fitting tighter.  At my first OB visit, I was convinced the nurse practitioner would tell me I needed to stop gaining weight so rapidly.

The joke was on my eating disorder – I had lost six pounds during my first trimester.  A rational food mind would have told me that I probably wasn’t gaining weight due to nausea and a lack of those daily caffeinated “extra-extras” at dunkin donuts.

After this, my mind was fixated on the fact that I wasn’t gaining weight, and became slightly obsessed with the fact that I needed to gain!  I said this to everyone I know – and now know why I did that.  My old, eating disordered thoughts were proud that I had lost weight, and well, some people gain weight right away, so why not flaunt that?  (A very selfish disease.)  And when I did gain weight, my mind swung the other way, and worried that the nurse would tell me I was gaining too rapidly.  I quickly became preoccupied with the idea that my body may never return to its “normal” state.

So, there can be these surface symptoms that reappear, much like trauma symptoms have a tendency to reappear during pregnancy (when you are pregnant, you think about the way you were parented, thus bringing up feelings of satisfaction or bad memories about your childhood).  However, what about the deeper issues of control?  How can these permeate a pregnancy?

Well, let’s look at my pregnancy, although I believe mine was a circumstantial extremity that most wouldn’t experience.  During it, I experienced a residence change, the possibility of being unemployed, and financial instability.  I will make another residence change before the baby is born.  A lot of individuals who struggle with eating disorders note that there is a peak in symptoms during major life transitions.  So, with a refusal to engage in eating disordered behaviors anymore, my emotions rocketed during this time (which often happens when someone puts down a behavior.  You are getting used to life without it, so the events will seem even more emotional and triggering).  This is on top of an extreme hormonal surge (as my nurse practitioner put it, “You are all hormones, Amanda.”).  So yes, I and my partner dealt, and deal with larger emotions that usual.  It’s not easy, and it frankly makes me want to throw things at the women who post pictures of themselves gazing adoringly at their partners while their partners stroke their belly.  I refuse to believe it’s that picture-perfect for anyone.  Just like I refuse to believe perfection on any levels.

What has helped me during this time?  Faith.  Spirituality.  The knowledge that everything will turn out the way it is supposed to.  Exercise has empowered me, but I’ve had to be careful to not berate myself for running a mile and a half instead of my usual three.  What’s especially helped?  Connecting with women who lay it out straight for me; who acknowledge their temporary homicidal urges, who bemoan their oxygen-reducing weight gain, who talk about the ugly stuff during pregnancy that others cringe at.  Pregnant women, in addition to those in any kind of recovery, are the most courageous of all, in my humble opinion.

I know I will have a boy because I’ve always respected and gotten along better with women (you get what you need), but if I was to ever have a baby girl, I would be honored.  Honored to raise a girl who might never even think about the size of her waist.  Honored to empower her, honored to send her healthy messages that I never got – the thought brings me to tears.  It was that very reason I named “pregnancy” that day in treatment; since I was a little girl, I’ve wanted to raise a mostly healthy family, and specifically, raise a strong, outgoing (if she wanted to be) young lady.  They say all parenting is a projection – we want things for our children we never got.  I am guilty of this, for sure – but it’s not the worst projection.

It is easy to let the daily worry get in the way of the fact that I was given the biggest personal gift in the world.  For it is not everyone’s dream to be a mother, but it is mine.

(Images provided by www.pregnancynutrition.org.)

Are We Overdiagnosing?

A couple of my dear friends (read: Cory and Sarah) recently sent me an article on yahoo about orthorexia.  This newly-coined term is defined as a disorder in which the sufferer is fixated on healthy or righteous eating.  The sufferer has specific preferences about what goes into their body.  Some may avoid fat or additives, some may take veganism to the extreme; either of which may or may not lead to emaciation.  The supposed distinction between anorexia and orthorexia is this: anorexics want to lose weight, but an orthorexic desires to feel healthy, pure and natural.  The term was coined by Steven Bratman, and is not currently classified as a mental disorder in the DSM-IV, nor will be in the newest edition in 2013.

Now, let me throw out a disclaimer:  I feel so hesitant to assert my opinion here for fear of invalidating an individual who is beginning to engage in unhealthy eating behaviors.  However, I have begun to grow weary of over-diagnostic tendencies in the mental health field.  I tend not to be a big fan of diagnoses in general (as necessary as they are for our insurance company friends) because humans are…human, and often will not perfectly meet criteria for any disorder.  You treat the person and their symptoms, not the diagnosis.  This might not sit well with the medical community, as criteria is more cut and dry there, but social science has always been more grey. 

First example of sort-of-unbelieveable-diagnoses: Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  This is characterized by a pattern of defiant and hostile behavior towards authority figures.  Or is it just this seemingly recent trend of parents unable to set limits and parent?  Is the behavior the result of another diagnosis (ADHD, Learning Disorder)?  I am sure, that for every objection I have there is a specific example of a kid that completely fits criteria.  I’ve just always felt funny about that one.

Prior to it being labeled “orthorexia”, it was called disordered eating.  (And as a sidenote – in my work and experience I’ve met many diagnosed anorexics who wanted to feel pure as a result of starvation.  I’ve also met many normal eaters who wanted to feel healthy and natural as a result of their diet.)  I just wonder if this isn’t a byproduct of our society’s current fixation on vegan/organic/vegetarianism lifestyles, which I honestly feel, is trendy.  Orthorexia also sounds pretty Obessive-Compulsive Disordered.

Or, is a diagnosis of orthorexia the ED world’s response to alcoholism’s alcohol abuse?  (There are two classifications of alcohol addiction; one is alcohol dependence, and the other is abuse.  Dependence implies a bodily need, and abuse implies continued use despite its consequences.)  So, anorexia (akin to alcohol dependence) has medical criteria, while orthorexia (akin to alcohol abuse) does not.  Perhaps it is a step in the right direction.

Or, maybe, it is a response to corrupt insurance companies’ insatiable need for labels and criteria, criteria, criteria.  The more that is labeled = the more is treated. 

My intention is not to isolate those who might be on the verge of an eating disorder.  My intention is to encourage individuals to pay no attention to labels that supposedly define whether you suffer with something or not.  If you are hurting as a result of your eating behaviors, no matter what they are, that is more than enough reason to get help. 

Just some thoughts.  What do you think?

Eating Disorders and Health Insurance.

A post or so ago, a friend commented that there “was a lot of help for eating disorders” today. 

Well, sure, if you can pay $40,000 for a residential stay or pay $80 for an intake for an outpatient group.  And if you can’t, then you have to jump through the loops of modern health insurance – the kind that denied a recent client of mine weekly outpatient therapy, despite having a triple diagnosis of Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Alcohol Dependence, and Major Depressive Disorder, INCLUDING suicidal ideation.

Eating disorders aside, the state of our country’s health insurance is appalling and disgusting.  For some reason, our country has a problem admitting when they are wrong (maybe, just maybe, those dangit-crazy Europeans have got it right!).  For those of you who are satisfied with the way it is, let me explain what insurance reviews are.

Insurance reviews are something mental health providers do regularly.  Insurance reviews grant the client more sessions, barring that they are “sick enough” to require it, but – oh oh oh!  Not too sick that your recommendation of merely outpatient therapy is inappropriate.  In these reviews, the mental health provider, who sees their client on a weekly basis, is often berated and told by a Mass Health representative that has NO clinical training that their clinical judgment is wrong.  You know.  Because therapists are so wishy-washy and all.

I once had an insurance reviewer tell me that a man three weeks out of detox did not require once a week counseling, that he could step down to bi-weekly counseling.  Right.

People often tell me I am too serious, too angry, too WHATEVER about this stuff – but this is the very reason I get angry about it – because today, it is normal for disempowered individuals to be denied the coverage they deserve.  And that is wrong. 

So before all this bullshit “Why can’t Obama save the world even though I’m too scared to vote for healthcare reform!” happened, eating disorders were not recognized as a mental illness for long after others were.  The Federal Mental Health Parity Act was signed in 1996; eating disorders were finally recognized under this act in 2005.  (How victorious it was to receive a letter telling me that.)  And because I went into treatment before this was signed, I ended up footing $1000 worth of three weeks of partial-hospital treatment.  I am lucky I had the resources to pay this; most of the people I’ve seen so far don’t.

Even after the Federal change in 2005, there were separate state parity laws.  Most of these deemed that “biologically-based illnesses”, such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, were coverable, but that eating disorders were not; they were very quietly left out of the equation.  In Massachusetts, one of the most progressive states in the union, eating disorders were not signed into the Parity law until July 1, 2009.

So yes, Virginia, there is a lot of treatment for eating disorders.  If you’re sick enough.  But not too sick.  And rich enough.  But not too…no, just rich enough.

For Clinicians

Some of my colleagues have been curious about the various resources around the area that treat eating disorders.  In the spirit of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I thought it might be useful to compile a list here.

1. Multiservice Eating Disorder Association (MEDA)

Do you have a client who needs a simple, once-a-week outpatient group that connects her or him to others struggling with an eating disorder?  MEDA provides two groups for adults 18 and older, and a teen group for younger clients.  In addition, MEDA provides a drop-in group for those who support individuals with an eating disorder.  This organization goes far beyond the group therapy level, however – they offer private coaching sessions for concerned supports, host conferences, and have a monthly speaker who has recovered from an eating disorder herself.  MEDA can also provide your client with a psychiatrist or PCP who specializes in eating disorders.  MEDA is located/can be reached at:

92 Pearl Street, Newton, MA

617.558.1881

 info@medainc.org

2. Walden Behavioral Care

Walden Behavioral Care provides services to eating disordered clients at all functioning levels: Walden has inpatient, residential, partial, and intensive outpatient programs.  The intensive outpatient program runs in the evening, which typically tends to be a warning time for eating disordered behaviors, and includes a meal.  Walden also offers an adolescent intensive outpatient program and a Binge and Night Eating Program.  Walden has an additional campus in Northampton.  Walden is located/can be reached at:

9 Hope Avenue, Suite 500, Waltham, MA

781.647.6727

Info@waldenbehavioralcare.com

3. Cambridge Eating Disorder Center

Located in Harvard Square, CEDC also offers residential, partial and intensive outpatient programs.  CEDC’s other services include family/couples therapy, nutrition counseling, and a monthly family and support group.  To refer a client, call  (617) 547-2255 ext. 222.

4. Klarman Center for Eating Disorders, McLean Hospital

Klarman provides services for those aged 13-23, and provides both residential and partial programs.  Expressive Therapy, DBT/CBT, body image work, and nutritional counseling are just a piece of the work done here.  Call 617.855.3410, or e-mail Klarmancenter@mclean.harvard.edu.

5.  Laurel Hill Inn

LHI is located in a residential neighborhood in Medford, MA and is private (read: only takes certain insurances).  LHI provides residential, partial, and evening programs.  At this facility, clients participate in realistic, everyday rituals with food (clients take cooking lessons, go shopping for food, go on dinner outings when deemed appropriate and safe).  For more information, call (781) 396-1116 or send email to lhi@laurelhillinn.com.

“I Feel Fat!”

“Oh, God, I ate all of that.  I just feel so fat!”

Fat is not a feeling.

And I’m so fucking sick of hearing people claim that it is!

Think about it.  We have sadness, happiness, joy, fear, anger, rage, confusion, agitation, despair, jubilance, anguish, compassion, defeat, glee, foolishness, hatred, insanity, misery, loving, panic, optimism, regret, shame, and thousands of other beautiful words in the English language one can use to describe how they’re feeling.  However, most individuals at some point or another have appointed “fat” –  a greasy, porous substance  – as a feeling word.  And it’s simply not.

Eckhart Tolle talks about unconsciousness causing suffering and pain in an individual.  Well, I believe the expression “I feel fat” is one of the most unconscious, trance-like utterings on the face of this earth.  Repeated over and over, it is used by many to a) cover up how they’re really feeling about consuming food and feeding themselves and b) fit in with an image-obsessed culture, which isn’t really cool to begin with. 

So what are you really avoiding when you say it?  Are you feeling physical discomfort?  Are you feeling guilty because you ate more than is socially acceptable?  Are you fearful of judgment by your waiter or dining companion?  Or is it deeper issue?  Do you feel like it says something about your character?  That you are inherently sloth-like or lazy?  Is it indicative of something you are too afraid to go near?

Sadly, most people will never approach this kind of mindfulness.  But it is this kind of tuning-in that facilitates growth about both physical and emotional appetites. 

When I was stuck in this trance, when I was sick with an eating disorder, it was about the fear of being “too much” in general.  Anyone who truly knows me knows that my emotions naturally run high and I tend to be passionate about causes and people.  And I feared that was too much for others.  So my eating behaviors were indicative of such: I starved myself to have no emotions, no passion, no space to take up.  Starvation numbed the “too-much” ness I feared.  But it was a lot easier to just say, “I feel fat.”

Do me a favor.  As this week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, take a second after your next hearty meal and ask yourself what you’re feeling.   Don’t use food as a way to check out or disconnect.  Tune into yourself and be ok with whatever you carry with you.  Cause guess what?  You’re not feeling fat.

(Image provided by Google Images.)

Check out this Blogger Body Calendar!

Pure inspiration.

 

I am consistently amazed at the amount of support and feedback I get from this blog – even when I’m busy living life and not writing. My new friend, Sandy MacNamara, sent me a link to a Blogger Body Calendar she and other prominent bloggers are publicizing for a vital cause.

In this amazingly gutsy spread, 12 women bare all (or next to nothing) tastefully in the means of promoting healthy body image. Sandy has a personal motivation for doing so, and I admire her all the more for it.

So order one! Proceeds benefit the National Eating Disorders Association.

And check out her site…it’s awesomely saucy!

For Once, I’m Siding With Marie Claire.

I never told all of you why I started this blog.

A couple of years ago, I noticed that a fellow graduate of LHS had started a blog entitled, “CarrotsNCake”, which was devoted to “healthy living”.  I wouldn’t have known about this, except for she had recently friended me on facebook (which was curious, as we had never been friends in high school.  but such is the book of faces.  I digress.)  She appeared to be advertising her blog on facebook, and it seemed to be taking off.  Food companies started to sponsor her blog.  She received a book deal.  Her and fellow bloggers started an annual “healthy living summit”.  And so on, and so forth.

However, as I read through her blog, something didn’t sit right with me.  To the naked eye, the blog seemed harmless.  She consumed as many brownies as she did brussel sprouts, and even dubbed Fridays “Cookie Friday”.  But, to my eating disordered and mental health counselor eye, something seemed awry.  Wasn’t it abnormal to visually document every meal you made and include calorie counts on some of them?  Wasn’t it unhealthy to attach moral value to food?  Wasn’t it strange how this seemed to be the content of her thought most days?

But most of all, I was bothered to all hell that a blog so obsessed with people’s outside appearance could gain such a following.  So, I started mine.  For a long time I felt as if it was for naught; more people seemed to be attracted to repetitive, appearance-obsessed writing, rather than thoughtful writing that supported an important mental health cause.  I felt I was alone in my opinion that something was “off” about this sudden culture of “Look!  I’m healthy and super adjusted!” blogs.

And then Marie Claire published this critique of her, and other “healthy living” blogs. http://www.marieclaire.com/health-fitness/news/articles/health-blogger-controversy

Don’t get me wrong.  If you have an eating disorder, and you choose to enter the blog world, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for what you lay your eyes on.  My eating disorder led me back to her website time and time again, teasing me to compare my food intake to hers and to see if I measured up, if I was good enough or thin enough.  So, I had to take responsibility and stop feeding into my disorder.

Interestingly enough, something bothers me more than the food-documenting and the exercise-reporting.  It is the instant idolatry that hundreds of young women seem to develop around the women who write these “healthy living” blogs.  On my former classmate’s blog, scores of women echo the “amazingness” of the blog; some even comment on how it helped them to recover from their eating disorder.  This bothers me in particular.  Eating disorders are addictions, and addictions require face-to-face professional connection to heal appropriately.  While blogs could be used as a springboard to help sufferers find their way to counseling, they also encourage the “false connection” dynamic that is so popular in our culture today.  (Facebook??)  And, they encourage the insta-celebrity trend that seems to be growing since reality TV took root.

You see, people without eating disorders don’t care about my blog or her blog or any calorie-counting in particular: they just eat.  They stuff themselves some days and eat less on others.  They listen to their appetite instead of monitoring the pace on the treadmill.  Simply put, they lack the obsession. 

Another friend in high school left the following quote in her senior yearbook write-up: “What is right is not always popular; what is popular is not always right.”  I chuckle to myself as I write this, for this was true in high school and today.  But this ain’t high school anymore.  My motives are no longer personal; I write this because I believe more responsible material should be getting out there.

The courage to change the things I can

I’m such a cranky bitch sometimes.

I’m serious. Do you know exactly how much time I spend obsessing over the people who don’t get the whole positive body image/food obsession thing? Like, I have fake fights with people in my head sometimes over this shit. Instead of sitting down to blog about it, and actually being the change one wishes to see in the world, a la Ghandi, or some other wise soul who coined that phrase.

Case in point. A couple of weeks ago, some guy friends of mine were harmlessly harassing me on the book of faces over the website barstoolsports.com. I may or may not have posted the following phrase: “I have now discovered my purpose in life: to unleash a virus on barstoolsports.com”. (If you’ve never been to the website, it’s basically dumb stories and pictures of girls’ asses that you can rate. So yes, something that perhaps objectifies women and doesn’t really contribute to the whole “realistic body image” thing. Or the whole “men are not pigs” thing. So I have an opinion about it naturally. What. What.)

So they all like it, understandably (what red-blooded male wouldn’t like pictures of girls’ asses?) But it pisses me off because I start to run with this in my head: the idea that some will blindly go through life, gawking at picture-perfect airbrushed boobs, not knowing that I had to retrain myself to eat after holding myself up to this unattainable ideal. I will grow infuriated throughout the day listening to friends count calories and listen to clients attach happiness to weight when I know there is a better, freer way to live. Why can’t they be mindful and open their eyes up to the body obsession that is so glaringly apparent to me? Why? Why?!

And it does me absolutely no good.

Why? Because I’m focusing on and dwelling in the exact negative energy that I wish to see less of. To make a difference, I’ve got to live and breathe this way of life, not try to change others’ perspectives by my sheer will. I’ve got to keep blogging, because this is one area in which I do not believe I should have restraint of pen and tongue.

The serenity prayer is as follows: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” And I can’t change 30-year-old men who don’t respect women and never will. I can’t change the woman who insists on engaging in self-hatred, and I can’t talk until I’m blue in the face anymore to people who don’t listen. It’s just wasted energy. What I can do, however, is continue to work on myself. I can eat fries at 10pm without attaching moral value to it. I can gain a few pounds without having to mention it because I know that bodies have their ebbs and flows. I can go on a run and love it because of the feeling it gives me, not because of the calories it dissolves. I can continue to ban beauty magazines from my reading material, and I can finally volunteer to give a talk at MEDA. I can live it, instead of bitching about it.

The reason I out my imperfections on here is because eating disorders are a jackpot for shame and ridiculous perfection standards. I can only hope that by sharing mine, your perfection standards will become less harsh. Believe me, I’m no eating disorder recovery guru: I’m a work in progress.

So I’m gonna turn the focus back to me, and lead by example. Here’s to an imperfect journey.